By Erika Whitfield
This weekend my son lied to me. It was not a huge lie but a lie nonetheless. We keep an old tablet in our kitchen to look up recipes, watch shows, and listen to music while cooking and cleaning. I noticed the tablet was missing.
Jordan is extremely intuitive. He is attuned to his own feelings and the feelings of those close to him. If he senses sadness or distress with anyone in our household, his intuition is usually spot on. His awareness of what’s happening in our home, at school, and even in our world is keen. If there is particularly troubling news saturating the media, he wants to know more. He questions everything, and his memory is impeccable. It’s important that we always communicate the truth to him. He’s not a child we can pacify. How my son views himself in our house, as part of our family, and in this world matters to me. The way I choose to respond is super important.
The idea of sparing the rod for fear of spoiling the child was ingrained into my psyche like most black parents. I disciplined this way for no other reason than this was my lived experienced.
As I have matured in my parenting, I no longer believe that statement to be true. We often confuse fear with respect. I do not want my children to not do a bad thing because of their fear of the consequences. I want them to refrain from doing the bad thing because they respect and understand that the decisions made by me on their behalf is what is best for them. I want them to refrain from harming another person because they respect the mere fact that people deserve to feel safe.
I was extremely disappointed that my son lied to me. My disappointment, however, was in myself. Had I not repaired the harm of all those years of learned discipline? Why was being honest so difficult for him? Did he not believe me when I said he wouldn’t be in trouble if he had the tablet?
The truth of the matter is that Jordan is a black boy. He is only 8-years-old and nearly 4’ 10” tall. It is inevitable the world will hold him to a higher standard before he has had the opportunity to truly enjoy his childhood. The place where he lays his head at night will be designated as a safe place for him to be flawed. It will be where he encounters love and patience. It is where he can tell a lie and be reminded that there is nothing so terrible that he can not tell his mother for fear of punishment.
I chatted with my husband immediately following the discovery of the tablet. He talked to Jordan over the phone. My husband has a very special relationship with our son. He has a very gentle way of engaging our son in difficult discussions. After their chat, my husband said, “Go easy on him.”
There was no yelling. No shame. No isolation. No spanking. No sparing of rods for fear of spoiling my child. I sat next to him on our couch and told him how much I loved him. I reminded him that no harm would come to him. I kissed him and hugged him. I made him lunch before his soccer game. I told him how amazing he was.
